Organ and tissue donation · Transformation · Transformation Posts

Waking Up Without a Wake-Up Call: Transformation Without Tragedy

Karen Abercrombie

downloadMy 44-year-old sister’s violent death in 2004 at the hands of a drunk driver rocked my and my family’s world.  At first, I went about my business as marketing director of a Houston-based software company, thinking I was OK.  But after a few weeks, I realized I was really, really not OK.  I realized my life was way out of whack.  My drive to succeed professionally had overtaken everything else in my life.  I was overweight and in poor shape.  Constantly stressed.  My marriage was in shambles.

I had a sweet, blue-eyed blonde haired eight-year-old son, Burke, who was getting my leftovers – whatever remained of me at the end of each day after feeding my insatiable ego at work.

Blowing into his private school one day – between crafting a masterful PowerPoint presentation and writing an award-winning conference report, I’m sure – to catch a glimpse of him in the Egyptian mummy funeral procession, a third grade rite of passage, I overhead one of the other moms say, incredulously, “Is that boy in a Roman costume?”

The other moms had spent weeks carefully researching and hand crafting their kids’ costumes, complete with jewel-encrusted headpieces, Elizabeth Taylor Cleopatra bangs and a sea of shades of blue eye shadow.  And those were the boys. Bopping along amidst a gaggle of tiny King Tuts was Burke, a miniature Russell Crowe from Gladiator in his hastily purchased Roman outfit from Arne’s Party Supply.

My wake-up call came at 7 AM on March 17, 2004.  I was working, always working, during a spring break family ski trip in Beaver Creek, Colorado.  With the coffee brewing and bacon frying, the rest of our group was groggily sorting through damp mittens and ski socks. I was at the kitchen table, hunched over my laptop, scrutinizing an excel spreadsheet.  A co-worker had called to say our team had inadvertently left a zero off our annual budget request, the business equivalent of the end of the world.

In the middle of the call, my sister Julie’s son Aaron beeped in to say, “You need to come home.” While traveling home from work in Downtown Houston that morning, Julie’s car had been hit from behind by thirty-two-year-old Eric Hinton, who the police estimate was traveling at a speed of 117 miles per hour upon impact, his blood alcohol content three times the legal limit.  Julie was being kept on life support at Hermann Hospital in Houston until I could get there to say goodbye.

In that instant, as if by magic, the apocalyptic budget crisis simply ceased to exist.

Over the course of the next three years, I methodically deconstructed my life and constructed Karen v2.  I quit my very important, all-consuming marketing job and began freelancing.  I quit my hopeless marriage.  I began to exercise and get into shape, exploring Pilates and hot yoga.  I sponsored a woman to become Catholic at my church.  I became an Art a la Carte docent at my son’s school, immersing myself into art and the classroom.  I spent time with my son.  I remarried.  Moved twice.  And started a new job.  I began to ponder what happens to us, to our spirits, after we die, and how they came into existence in the first place.

My sister was an organ and tissue donor, and through that experience, I became an advocate for organ and tissue donation, something I had spent little time thinking about before her death.

Eleven years later, I am seeking another wave of personal transformation, but this time without the catastrophe.  This time from a place of health and happiness instead of stress and dysfunction.  This time, I hope to get to know myself.  Not the Karen who shops at Anthropologie, drinks skinny lattes and writes press releases for a living, but the Karen who was put on this earth for a purpose, to fulfill a mission.  This time there’s nothing to deconstruct, save perhaps a few bad habits and limiting mindsets.

Almost a year ago to the day, I stumbled upon Dan Harris’ (then) new book, 10% Happier, which inspired me to give myself the freedom to explore new things.  Since then, I have joyfully bounced around a bit, letting things happen instead of making them happen.

First, I delved into mindfulness and meditation. Who knew eating a raisin could be so engrossing? I explored the life of the Bodhisattva through a course at the Houston Zen Center.  And I experienced life inside the womb through Watsu massage at a ranch in Baja California, Mexico (still trying to sort that one out, but it required a passport).

As a result of my family’s involvement in organ and tissue donation, I was asked to deliver a keynote speech in September to an audience of 900 members of the American Association of Tissue Banks in Scottsdale, Arizona.  Nervous about speaking in front of such a large audience, I took a course on effective public speaking at Rice University, taught by a man with a serious speech impediment.  (It was either that or devise the human version of the Thundershirt.   I even purchased a black neoprene jog bra about four sizes too small, but that’s another story.)

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I became a volunteer at LifeGift Houston, the organ procurement organization that, well, procured my sister’s organs and tissues upon her death, which promises an opportunity to support this worthy cause and a peek into the inner workings of organ and tissue recovery.

And through my first writing workshop, on memoir writing at Inprint Houston, I learned that I could actually put words on paper and properly use quotation marks.  Inspired, I joined a fledgling writers’ group, Writespace. Oh, and I started a blog.

All in all, 2015 has been a year of forming new relationships with some amazing people, two of whom are my sister and myself. If it weren’t for her and quite frankly her death, my life would be very different.  Every stone I overturn on this journey brings a new, interesting and sometimes bizarre experience.  In 2016, I plan to share some of these experiences, and I hope you’ll share yours.

168 thoughts on “Waking Up Without a Wake-Up Call: Transformation Without Tragedy”

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  3. I lost a sister too, nonviolently. And I lost a friend, very violently. I pray for them and for your sister’s soul. I will pray for you and for Burke. Happy new year Karen.

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  9. Karen, thank you for sharing your personal journey. I agree you have very fluid and captivating way with words. I’m just starting out with my blog, and I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing. But, I’m going to keep at it.

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  14. Thanks for trusting us with your story! It can be humbling to be redirected by tragedy. My wife some how survived a high speed rear collision by a drunk driver that passed out behind the wheel…on the way to pick up his grandkids from school?!

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    1. I am touched by the “trust” mention. I just want to write. And I am doing some fun and interesting things. So sharing them seems natural. I am heartened by the tremendous response the post has garnered. It inspires me to keep going.

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  15. Thanks for your post. It showed me a different point of view. But I also found something similar with my story. My brother died year ago and my life is also changing a lot. Hope I’ll find a peace with what happened and myself soon.

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  16. Empowering, this post is the highlight of my saturday morning. It would give hope to anybody searching for a light. Thank you taking the time. I wish you well and the best for 2016

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  17. Beautiful! Great! Inspiring and Amazing! I thank my fortune which led me cross through this post. Very well written. You’re a great writer indeed. Best of luck. 🙂

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  18. May God bless you in your new found life. I felt your emotions as I read and thought about when my son was hit by a drunk driver. I thank God for his life, and that sparked my involvement with MADD.. I sincerely appreciate you sharing your healing journey and wish you all the best. Your sister’s spirit is all around you.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story, too. That is what I hope will occur through this blog. I appreciate your taking the time to read my post. One thing I have found most interesting on this “leg” of my journey — things unfold. One thing leads to another, which leads to another… We hit some major bumps in the road, but we keep going.

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  19. Such a beautiful post it is! The title itself was a hook, and the writing kept me glued. I am sure you have a lot more to give to the readers. Keep inspired, and inspiring…

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  22. What a touching story! My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family as well. Also, this was just what I needed to read as I’ve been feeling as if I need some major change in my life and this was the sign!

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  23. Wow! That’s a great inspiration story for anyone! And the style is captivating: I couldn’t resist to read till the very end! Thank you, Karen! And wish you good luck! Wish anyone would be so brave to change their life and focus more on life itself rather than just money and very-important-jobs.

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  24. You are a wonderful lady with an incredible story. I look forward to reading more, you are such an inspiration to many. Miss you my friend.

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  25. I’m so glad I randomly came across this post! It’s so beautifully written and incredibly inspiring! Thank you for sharing this, it has left me with increased motivation to fulfill my dreams, find my calling, and (possibly most important) get healthy so I can enjoy life with my children right now.

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  30. Very thought provoking and brings to light the need for regular self reflection. Not only are you putting words on paper but your making words leap to life with your story. Thank you!

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  33. Karen, I am so happy that you have opened yourself to experience life the way it should be. I have also read Dan Harris’ book and it was wonderful. All the best to you.

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  37. Karen,
    I’m moved beyond words with eyes filled with tears. I wish I could find the words to express my awe and appreciation for your story and how beautifully you shared it. Your courage and bravery (yes, they are separate and different) inspires me to take the steps that you have. After a catastrophic few years I was left adrift in a world with no tether to keep me grounded. It’s time I take responsibility for my inward and mindful journey. Thank you for what you have just given me. Words cannot express my gratitude.
    God bless you and please keep writing

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    1. Melinda, I am so glad you found yourself in my story. I couldn’t have written it even three years ago. What is required is perspective. And that takes time. I have faith you will come out happier and more at peace than you were before your tragedy struck. Hang in there!

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  38. What an emotionally moving blog post, and I’m sure you were worn out from emotional exhaustion from writing about something so intensely personal. I recognize the Karen you described prior to Julie’s crash because Julie had always described you as being incredibly driven and immensely talented. Many, many years ago she begged me to send you my resume when I was unhappy in my job because she was convinced that you could move mountains. She had so much respect and love for you. Your journey is inspirational and thank you for sharing it so publicly so others who are paralyzed with grief can see that good (positive transformations) can come out of such devastating circumstances. Wishing you and your family all the best in 2016.

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  39. Karen, this is fantastic. I will definitely “follow” and I look forward to reading more. You’re a great writer. I was watching the football game where Carson Palmer had his knee blown out and then learned from you later on Facebook that Julie donated tissue for his recovery. So inspiring on so many levels. All the best in 2016

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  45. Karen, I am so proud of you!! I wanted to share my thoughts and thank you for inspiring me and others who I’m sure are reading your blog. I think it is wonderful that you are sharing your story, and wanted to commend you. This was so touching to read… Cheers to 2016 and continued success with your findings!

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  46. Karen, what an incredibly moving story. Thank you for sharing these private moments…. Hopefully 2016 will be a happy and healthy year for all of us

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  47. Excellent writing, and a great message. Glad you’re writing. Not only is it beneficial for all of us, you will find it cathartic as well. (But, you probably know that already.) Thank you for sharing, and keep it up.

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    4. I enjoyed this and actually read the whole thing, due to the fun twists along the way.
      I appreciated the humble admittance of how your ego was involved in your decisions, I also had a career as a marketing director, and was so focused on proving to myself and others what I could do as a designer, and then just being afraid of not being good enough, that I forgot to tune into my inner voice of honor and self respect. But after much loss, I eventually woke up….as I saw that “my way” or as Karen said, “trying to make things happen” didn’t work, and I learned to be present, to myself and others, while looking within for my “Thumbs Up” validation. Karen your insights are great, and your talent of word crafting, will surely help others. I also am very interested in the after life and how it effects us as we live here in this life. NDE videos as well as the videos about Swedenborg provide much insight…

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