Over cold Love Streets at Karbach Brewery this week, my now-legal 21-year-old son, Burke, home from college (Roll Tide!), announced he is no longer a Leo.

This little bombshell came from so far out of left field, I thought I must have misheard him.  My hearing’s not the best, so this wouldn’t have been unusual.  We of the slightly (hush, Burke) hearing impaired tend to glom onto the few words we’re pretty sure we heard and use them as anchors from which we extrapolate the rest.   Sometimes we, well,  miss the mark.

Or maybe, I thought, he just woke up recently and decided the characteristics of Cancer more accurately describe him.  He did, after all, declare right before leaving home for college that he was changing his name to Anthony, his middle name.

“Yeah, mom.  They added another Zodiac sign, so now I’m a Cancer.”

WT*?! 

When Burke was less than three months old, I dressed him up for his first Halloween in a little lion costume, and he’s been my little lion ever since.  We Leos are leaders, passionate, impetuous and proud.  I wasn’t buying this.

“Don’t worry mom.  You’re still a Leo.  But they added this new sign, so it changed the dates of some of the other signs, including mine.”

This was unsettling. When did this happen?  Who are ‘they’, and what gave them the right to mess with the zodiac signs?  And why am I just now hearing about this?

Right now, I would love to know if you, reading this, are aware of this, ahem, planetary shift.  Are you aware that right now, while you’re sitting there thinking you’re a Capricorn, you’re really a Sagittarius?

According to an article published last month on The Today Show’s website, “NASA broke the news early this year in a blog post that explained that when ancient Babylonians created the zodiac over 3,000 years ago, they wanted dates on the calendar to correspond with star constellations. But, there were 13 constellations, and they were working with a 12-month calendar. So they ditched Ophiuchus.”

Ophiuchus? I bet they ditched it because nobody could pronounce it.

Here’s the new line-up:

Capricorn: Jan. 20 to Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 to March 11
Pisces: March 11 to April 18
Aries: April 18 to May 13
Taurus: May 13 to June 21
Gemini: June 21 to July 20
Cancer: July 20 to Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 to Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 to Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 to Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 to Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 to Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 to Jan. 20

Those of you who were already unfortunate enough to have to share your birthday with the holidays now have to study up on your new sign, Ophiuchus.  (And learn how to pronounce it.) Good luck with that.

Let’s put this new zodiac line-up to the test.

Donald Trump, whose birthday is June 14, shifts from a Gemini to a Taurus.  Let’s see…

GEMINI TRAITS
Strengths: Gentle, affectionate, curious, adaptable, ability to learn quickly and exchange ideas
Weaknesses: Nervous, inconsistent, indecisive
Gemini likes: Music, books, magazines, chats with nearly anyone, short trips around the town
Gemini dislikes: Being alone, being confined, repetition and routine

TAURUS TRAITS
Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable
Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising
Taurus likes: Gardening, cooking, music, romance, high quality clothes, working with hands
Taurus dislikes: Sudden changes, complications, insecurity of any kind, synthetic fabrics

My take:  I think we need to come up with a 14^th sign just for him.

Hillary Clinton, whose birthday is October 26, goes from Scorpio to Virgo.

SCORPIO TRAITS
Strengths: Resourceful, brave, passionate, stubborn, a true friend
Weaknesses: Distrusting, jealous, secretive, violent
Scorpio likes: Truth, facts, being right, longtime friends, teasing, a grand passion
Scorpio dislikes: Dishonesty, revealing secrets, passive people

VIRGO TRAITS
Strengths: Loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical
Weaknesses: Shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play
Virgo likes: Animals, healthy food, books, nature, cleanliness
Virgo dislikes: Rudeness, asking for help, taking center stage

My take:  Decide for yourself, but my money says she’s a Scorpio.

I suspect this is just a fad, like eggs being bad for you. After we’ve all had fun exploring our new signs, they (whoever ‘they’ are) will say, never mind.  Just kidding.  Go back to being the water bearer or archer you’ve always been.  But for now, I guess it’s nice to have something to take our minds off of this appalling election.